I realized that I haven't written for a while. I think it's because this blog has served its purpose of being a documentation of my "mini-retirement" and I am starting to shift to the mindset of going to work again. This time off has been such a valuable gift--I feel so healthy and creative and positive! I have done and tried so many cool things. I have spent time with so many loved ones who have been put on a back burner for too long. I have gotten the house, the yard, and the car to a good level of repair so I don't have a constant feeling of being behind. I saw a daughter leave and a roommate appear. I traveled and danced and played guitar til my fingers were numb. I have cleared out stuff that no longer serves me both physically and mentally. It is a good place to be overall.
While I am sad that I am leaving my marriage, I am glad I had this time to be able to make the decision wisely and clearly without feeling stressed out from work. I am glad I had time to spend with Chris the first three months. We are ending on the best possible terms with each other, for which I am thankful.
Amazingly, even with the unexpected expenses along the way, I am only now dipping into the money I set aside for this time--six months down the road! It has been a trust walk that has had many "loaves and fishes" aspects to it. How God provides when we take a leap of faith! How grateful I am!
It's true that I would like to continue living like this. The self-directed pace, the amount of free time, and the general feeling of wellbeing are worth all the money in the world! However, reality calls. I need a regular paycheck and a little more socialization. This experiment has shown me that I will embrace retirement down the road and that I have options for continuing to work that I would enjoy. I hope to maintain the centered, grounded feeling I have for as long as possible. Yes, I'm "not quite ready to retire", but I look forward to the day I do and hope to accomplish much in the next few years leading up to it. Life is good. Thanks for reading!
Monday, July 6, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
I Can See Clearly Now
Well, although the rain around here is NOT gone, this free time has been invaluable in allowing me to step back from my "regularly scheduled life" to see what directions I need to take. All the classes have been enriching and life changing for me and I know will be guiding my career decisions down the road. If nothing else, they gave me new skills to fall back on if I decide to leave the role of school counselor and have given me a new appreciation of what sustainability means!
This time also gave me the ability to connect with myself, family, and friends in a deeper, calmer, saner way, which was so healing and life giving! It also allowed me to tell the truth about my marriage and to start letting go of it while still maintaining the relationship. It appears we will be filing our divorce papers this week here in Colorado (to avoid California's community property laws and the mess that creates). Neither of us is asking for anything besides that which is already ours, which makes it easy legally and less stressful emotionally.
As with any loss, there is sadness, some second guessing, and some fear, but the fact of the matter is we have drifted apart so much over the six years of living separate lives that it is a relief to be able to move on, live in one place, and be able to find companionship and grounding where we are. I hope we are always friends--he is a good man, I am a good woman. The challenges of our situation and circumstances were too much to overcome. May God bless us both...
This time also gave me the ability to connect with myself, family, and friends in a deeper, calmer, saner way, which was so healing and life giving! It also allowed me to tell the truth about my marriage and to start letting go of it while still maintaining the relationship. It appears we will be filing our divorce papers this week here in Colorado (to avoid California's community property laws and the mess that creates). Neither of us is asking for anything besides that which is already ours, which makes it easy legally and less stressful emotionally.
As with any loss, there is sadness, some second guessing, and some fear, but the fact of the matter is we have drifted apart so much over the six years of living separate lives that it is a relief to be able to move on, live in one place, and be able to find companionship and grounding where we are. I hope we are always friends--he is a good man, I am a good woman. The challenges of our situation and circumstances were too much to overcome. May God bless us both...
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Love, Dating, and Getting Older
When the kids are raised and gone, what keeps people married? Shared interests, common history, habit, fears of growing old alone, fears of not being able to find someone else? Some people have been together so many years, they are sick and tired of each other and try to spend as much time apart as possible, but they continue to stay married. I don't get it. The other day I was talking to a friend about whose marriages they envied. They couldn't name a single couple! Too many people seem to be trudging/fighting to an invisible finish line. It's more of an endurance test than a life-giving relationship. How sad is that?
On the other hand, it is interesting to see the older single crowd at the dances I go to. A lot of pretense is stripped away when you are over 50--similar to going to a 40-year high school reunion. Most everyone is getting gray and saggy and wrinkly and pudgy. There are still guys who think they are dreamboats and there are still women who try to be sexpots, but few seem to be into the mating game. Hormones tend to be waning and illness or surgery is more often the topic of conversation than making out! I get the feeling many people are looking for a potential caretaker rather than "true love" at this stage of the game. It's more about sharing the house costs and house work and having companionship. Some interesting alliances happen due to these stark realities!
That being said, there are many role models for me who are aging gracefully and well--people who are active and fit, people who are involved in hobbies and their community, people who are interested in other people, people who keep learning new things and going to new places, people who are happy with their lives. Anymore, having relationships with those kinds of people is more important to me personally than being married OR dating. People leave. People die. People change. Having a large, positive social network means that you don't have all your eggs in one basket when life events happen. There is something to be said for having options as we get older.... The romantic in me still hopes love will conquer all, but the practical side of me is becoming louder every day.
On the other hand, it is interesting to see the older single crowd at the dances I go to. A lot of pretense is stripped away when you are over 50--similar to going to a 40-year high school reunion. Most everyone is getting gray and saggy and wrinkly and pudgy. There are still guys who think they are dreamboats and there are still women who try to be sexpots, but few seem to be into the mating game. Hormones tend to be waning and illness or surgery is more often the topic of conversation than making out! I get the feeling many people are looking for a potential caretaker rather than "true love" at this stage of the game. It's more about sharing the house costs and house work and having companionship. Some interesting alliances happen due to these stark realities!
That being said, there are many role models for me who are aging gracefully and well--people who are active and fit, people who are involved in hobbies and their community, people who are interested in other people, people who keep learning new things and going to new places, people who are happy with their lives. Anymore, having relationships with those kinds of people is more important to me personally than being married OR dating. People leave. People die. People change. Having a large, positive social network means that you don't have all your eggs in one basket when life events happen. There is something to be said for having options as we get older.... The romantic in me still hopes love will conquer all, but the practical side of me is becoming louder every day.
Friday, May 29, 2015
THE EVALUATION
For the past two days, I have been back at work--saying goodbye to the kids, signing yearbooks, taking part in end-of-year activities. The hugs and appreciation leveled at me have been uplifting and heartfilling. Today I go back one last time for my yearly evaluation and I find myself in the same old pattern of stress and anxiety.
The main word that comes to mind is "vulnerable". I feel that I am once again going into the lion's den of judgment. There isn't a sense that we are a team pulling together--it is more one of each man for himself and Big Brother/Boss is watching. I don't feel any backup, either there or at home, which feels lonely and scary. I feel I'm on stage where my performance is being closely watched by critics and any misstep will prove disastrous. I am at their subjective mercy for my review... In terms of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I am left on the bottom rung, wanting some safety and security instead of being able to reach higher levels of creativity and confidence. There is a regular feeling of "not enough-ness" that haunts me.
Is it a problem with the system? Is it all coming from within me? Is it a feeling that I don't somehow deserve the money I'm making? What would it be like to honestly not care about the "good opinion" of other people and enjoy going in and making a contribution? What would it feel like to be free to speak my mind without fear that it would be held against me later on?
Therein lies the appeal of working for myself--either as a life coach or a photographer. Therein lies the appeal of having a life partner who can encourage me regardless of what I choose to do and can provide a reciprocal financial safety net. I am tired of being evaluated. I am tired of having to prove myself. I am tired of feeling the stress from having to be "outstanding". From that, I am definitely ready to retire!
The main word that comes to mind is "vulnerable". I feel that I am once again going into the lion's den of judgment. There isn't a sense that we are a team pulling together--it is more one of each man for himself and Big Brother/Boss is watching. I don't feel any backup, either there or at home, which feels lonely and scary. I feel I'm on stage where my performance is being closely watched by critics and any misstep will prove disastrous. I am at their subjective mercy for my review... In terms of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I am left on the bottom rung, wanting some safety and security instead of being able to reach higher levels of creativity and confidence. There is a regular feeling of "not enough-ness" that haunts me.
Is it a problem with the system? Is it all coming from within me? Is it a feeling that I don't somehow deserve the money I'm making? What would it be like to honestly not care about the "good opinion" of other people and enjoy going in and making a contribution? What would it feel like to be free to speak my mind without fear that it would be held against me later on?
Therein lies the appeal of working for myself--either as a life coach or a photographer. Therein lies the appeal of having a life partner who can encourage me regardless of what I choose to do and can provide a reciprocal financial safety net. I am tired of being evaluated. I am tired of having to prove myself. I am tired of feeling the stress from having to be "outstanding". From that, I am definitely ready to retire!
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Analogies
Today as I was painting my music room, I thought how this time has been a "remodel" for me as well. I took off the "old wallpaper" and put on something fresh, new, and vibrant. Earlier, when I was trimming my trees, I thought of how important it is to occasionally prune out the "dead wood" in our lives, whether they are people, jobs, ways of thinking, or just bad habits. When the basement flooded with all the recent rain, I compared it to how sometimes life just comes at us too fast and furious and we need some time to soak it all in. And when I broke a non-essential Christmas ornament the other day, I was reminded of how our lives often "break" but with the shards that remain, we can make some beautiful mosaics.
Tonight I am going to the high school graduation of my first class in middle school. The wheel of life keeps turning and we are just along for the ride. I also finished my fabulous life coaching class and have this to offer:
Remember never to make a big decision when you are too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or sad.
Tonight I am going to the high school graduation of my first class in middle school. The wheel of life keeps turning and we are just along for the ride. I also finished my fabulous life coaching class and have this to offer:
Remember never to make a big decision when you are too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or sad.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
The Time Machine
I hear so many people talk about how they don't have enough time to do what they want to do and they can't wait to retire so they "have more time". But having the past four months off, I realize that time is a slippery thing. I should have gallons and gobs of free time but because of all my activities, I have the same or less than when I was working! It isn't (usually) a case of having "no time", it's a case of what we prioritize in our lives. We all have the same 24 hours....
We fill up the minutes, hours, and days almost unconsciously. I see people who spend hours in front of their screen of choice (tv, computer, phone) and they wonder why they get nothing done. If you spend an hour cooking dinner instead of going out or making something simple, that is where your priority is. If you have your kids in four different sports or activities after school, that's how you are choosing to spend your time. If you go to daily Mass, again, that is where a chunk of time will go. If you opt to live an hour's drive from your work, you are choosing to lose two hours a day. If you are exercising an hour a day (good for you), it's still going to cut into your free time.
This past week, I had to make a decision to cut back. I felt like I was running from one event to the next and not really enjoying anything too much. I realized that I didn't have time for being with family or friends the way I wanted to. I needed some "dream time" to just stop and BE. After looking at my list of activities, I chose to drop the performance dance group. I felt pressured to find time to practice or even go to the extra lessons. I was committing two days of driving to Boulder (a 45-min drive each way) and it was too much on top of the other things I like and want to do. Busy is good. Too busy is bad. Made me sad to let the group go but am already feeling the relief and breath of air in my life. And now it's TIME to take a walk and enjoy the lovely spring beauty around me!
We fill up the minutes, hours, and days almost unconsciously. I see people who spend hours in front of their screen of choice (tv, computer, phone) and they wonder why they get nothing done. If you spend an hour cooking dinner instead of going out or making something simple, that is where your priority is. If you have your kids in four different sports or activities after school, that's how you are choosing to spend your time. If you go to daily Mass, again, that is where a chunk of time will go. If you opt to live an hour's drive from your work, you are choosing to lose two hours a day. If you are exercising an hour a day (good for you), it's still going to cut into your free time.
This past week, I had to make a decision to cut back. I felt like I was running from one event to the next and not really enjoying anything too much. I realized that I didn't have time for being with family or friends the way I wanted to. I needed some "dream time" to just stop and BE. After looking at my list of activities, I chose to drop the performance dance group. I felt pressured to find time to practice or even go to the extra lessons. I was committing two days of driving to Boulder (a 45-min drive each way) and it was too much on top of the other things I like and want to do. Busy is good. Too busy is bad. Made me sad to let the group go but am already feeling the relief and breath of air in my life. And now it's TIME to take a walk and enjoy the lovely spring beauty around me!
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Living in Limboland
As much as I'm enjoying this time off, I also feel more than ever that my life is in limbo. I don't know where I am supposed to work, live, or when I will really retire. It is such a trust walk! Like Indiana Jones, I am stepping out into the chasm, uncertain that a bridge will materialize to catch my feet. It is a process of becoming friends with uncertainty (not that we EVER have certainty in our lives!)...
So, I ask myself the "miracle question": If everything were magically resolved tomorrow, what would my life look like?
I would be living with the love of my life, I would have a job that I loved so much that retirement wouldn't happen for another ten years minimum (photography/coaching/counseling), I would have family living nearby, I would be financially without worries, I would still be dancing up a storm and have a lot of music in my life, I would be able to keep up the house and yard as I wanted, I would have a close spiritual community to belong to, I would socialize with, support, and know the people in my neighborhood, and I would be taking some big trips a couple of times a year. Connection, fun, and peace of mind. That's it in a nutshell! I have so many of those pieces already--how do I create the whole enchilada???
So, I ask myself the "miracle question": If everything were magically resolved tomorrow, what would my life look like?
I would be living with the love of my life, I would have a job that I loved so much that retirement wouldn't happen for another ten years minimum (photography/coaching/counseling), I would have family living nearby, I would be financially without worries, I would still be dancing up a storm and have a lot of music in my life, I would be able to keep up the house and yard as I wanted, I would have a close spiritual community to belong to, I would socialize with, support, and know the people in my neighborhood, and I would be taking some big trips a couple of times a year. Connection, fun, and peace of mind. That's it in a nutshell! I have so many of those pieces already--how do I create the whole enchilada???
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
The Difference Between Men & Women
Overall, men and women age differently--period. Women see retirement and old age as a time of freedom and coming into their own after a life of service to others. Men seem to see it as a time to stop doing and start sleeping. This is a generalization, of course, but I see strong evidence of it everywhere-- dances, at book clubs, at church functions, at stores, in classes, etc.--women outnumber the men at every turn. Women also seem to stay healthier longer, as is evidenced by mortality rates. Women complain the guys don't want to do anything but watch tv. Men say they are tired of socializing and having to socially "perform" and become homebodies. Women want to travel, take classes, prettify the nest, be with family and friends. Men seem to prefer everything stay status quo. Neither view is wrong or bad--they are simply incompatible.
Of course the exceptions to this rule are the single men who need or want to find a significant other, the true extroverts, and the few married ones for whom activity and curiosity are a lifelong pursuit (however, these kind usually stay working rather than retire!). As one who isn't yet ready to sit on the porch in a rocking chair and watch the world go by, I have to say I struggle mightily with being around the more passive gender. Like the old story goes, when I die, I want to slide into heaven, spinning and used up and out of breath and be able to say "Wow, what a ride!" Don't saddle me with someone who doesn't feel the same!
Of course the exceptions to this rule are the single men who need or want to find a significant other, the true extroverts, and the few married ones for whom activity and curiosity are a lifelong pursuit (however, these kind usually stay working rather than retire!). As one who isn't yet ready to sit on the porch in a rocking chair and watch the world go by, I have to say I struggle mightily with being around the more passive gender. Like the old story goes, when I die, I want to slide into heaven, spinning and used up and out of breath and be able to say "Wow, what a ride!" Don't saddle me with someone who doesn't feel the same!
Friday, April 10, 2015
Lovin' Every Minute and Reinventing Myself
I have to say I could get really used to having all this time off! I am staying busier than ever and doing things I LIKE rather than things I MUST--dancing, playing guitar, working in the house and yard, traveling. The world feels like it is expanding on a daily basis--so many interesting things to do or try or practice! My latest foray was trying Laughter Yoga with a group of friendly, fun-loving people at a local church. What a positive way to start a day!
Right now my focus has shifted to exploring new career possibilities. I am a month into a life coaching certification. Love the class, the concept, and the information! I get excited about using my counseling skills for a totally positive purpose. Have already done some mini sessions with my class peer group and with my current roommates with good success.
This weekend I start a permaculture design class that meets one weekend a month for seven months. It's all about sustainability and multi-use and becoming more self reliant in a way that works WITH the environment instead of sucking the life FROM it. I am becoming more and more interested in sustainability and hope to try some straw bale gardening in addition to my regular garden this summer. I also want to volunteer at some of the local farms and take advantage of the farmer's markets in the area more.
Lastly, I have embarked on getting serious about my photography. Took a portrait photography class a couple of weeks ago and did a photo shoot with my sister and her dog earlier this week. Today I am doing engagement pictures for a friend of my daughter. Next week I have my daughter-in-law scheduled to be my guinea pig. I also have two other photography classes coming up and am meeting with a photographer friend next week to see about shadowing or apprenticing with him over the next few months. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. Possibilities!!!!
Right now my focus has shifted to exploring new career possibilities. I am a month into a life coaching certification. Love the class, the concept, and the information! I get excited about using my counseling skills for a totally positive purpose. Have already done some mini sessions with my class peer group and with my current roommates with good success.
This weekend I start a permaculture design class that meets one weekend a month for seven months. It's all about sustainability and multi-use and becoming more self reliant in a way that works WITH the environment instead of sucking the life FROM it. I am becoming more and more interested in sustainability and hope to try some straw bale gardening in addition to my regular garden this summer. I also want to volunteer at some of the local farms and take advantage of the farmer's markets in the area more.
Lastly, I have embarked on getting serious about my photography. Took a portrait photography class a couple of weeks ago and did a photo shoot with my sister and her dog earlier this week. Today I am doing engagement pictures for a friend of my daughter. Next week I have my daughter-in-law scheduled to be my guinea pig. I also have two other photography classes coming up and am meeting with a photographer friend next week to see about shadowing or apprenticing with him over the next few months. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. Possibilities!!!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
How to Lose Weight in Retirement
Well, an earlier post was about how easy it is to GAIN weight with all the extra time on your hands. However, I have found the "magic bullet" that allows you to not only LOSE weight but not really care about eating, either. It's called getting braces.
When your mouth feels like it's been sliced and blistered from the inside, when your teeth hurt whenever you bite down on something, when it feels like aliens have taken over your mouth and left their spaceship behind, it is easy to not want to put anything but baby food past your lips!
After 55 years of crooked teeth (well, make that 49 since they didn't become crooked until my adult teeth came in), I decided that now was the time to have a smile that I'd love to see. I have the money, I have the time off work to get adjusted to them, and after talking with my parents, I understood that the slight shifting that I've been seeing will only get worse as I age. I now have the utmost respect for my middle school students who endure this ritual on a widespread basis. I can't imagine having the body and looks issues going on at the same time! Wait a minute--I DO have the body and looks issues going on too.... Hmmm... do you think they would give me a refund if I decided to bail at this point????
When your mouth feels like it's been sliced and blistered from the inside, when your teeth hurt whenever you bite down on something, when it feels like aliens have taken over your mouth and left their spaceship behind, it is easy to not want to put anything but baby food past your lips!
After 55 years of crooked teeth (well, make that 49 since they didn't become crooked until my adult teeth came in), I decided that now was the time to have a smile that I'd love to see. I have the money, I have the time off work to get adjusted to them, and after talking with my parents, I understood that the slight shifting that I've been seeing will only get worse as I age. I now have the utmost respect for my middle school students who endure this ritual on a widespread basis. I can't imagine having the body and looks issues going on at the same time! Wait a minute--I DO have the body and looks issues going on too.... Hmmm... do you think they would give me a refund if I decided to bail at this point????
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Strange Bedfellows
It's not only politicians who find themselves with interesting alliances! I guess as you get older, the point is to have PEOPLE in your life as much as possible. Kids grow up, friends move away, people die. Living an isolated or solitary life is probably the absolute worst thing a person can do for their mental and emotional health. This often necessitates living situations that are unexpected...
In the past month, I have lived with five different people: my husband, my parents, my daughter, and my ex-husband. In the coming weeks I will be living with my brother and my sister-in-law. Quite an interesting array! Yet, it is wonderful. Each person has brought something good to my life. I am at an age where I can enjoy them all. In fact, I wonder if living in a communal type situation isn't the best solution for all concerned. You have help with household chores and yard stuff, you have someone to share your day with, you have someone to watch a movie with, you have someone to share a meal with. We are social animals! It is not good to be alone... Maybe the politicians have it right (for once!).
In the past month, I have lived with five different people: my husband, my parents, my daughter, and my ex-husband. In the coming weeks I will be living with my brother and my sister-in-law. Quite an interesting array! Yet, it is wonderful. Each person has brought something good to my life. I am at an age where I can enjoy them all. In fact, I wonder if living in a communal type situation isn't the best solution for all concerned. You have help with household chores and yard stuff, you have someone to share your day with, you have someone to watch a movie with, you have someone to share a meal with. We are social animals! It is not good to be alone... Maybe the politicians have it right (for once!).
Monday, March 16, 2015
The Present of the Present
What do I like most about not having to go to work? Having TIME. Lots of it. Time to explore things I'm interested in, time to be with people I'm interested in, time to do things slowly and leisurely, instead of feeling like life is being lived at the speed of...well, life. It gives a delicious feel to normal, everyday activities. Instead of wolfing down a fifteen-minute lunch, I can take a whole hour if I want. Instead of racing from one store to the next to get errands done in an hour, I can take a whole afternoon. I can play the guitar for ten minutes or three hours and not feel guilty. I can talk on the phone for as long as I want. I can enjoy a tv show without feeling like I just "wasted" all of my free time. The days unfold without rush, without stress but I'm still being very productive and experiencing a lot of variety in my days. What has changed is that things have slowed down and the result is I am so much more relaxed and sane and pleasant to be around! Life feels peaceful and I am so grateful.
However, in the midst of feeling like I have all the time in the world, I also feel the preciousness of time more now that I'm older. I want to spend more time with family, with friends, with activities I enjoy, because I know it is a limited time offer. My dad was saying yesterday that a ballplayer will get a five-year, multimillion dollar contract and he wonders if he will even be around by the time the contract is up (he's 85 now). How important it is to make time for what truly matters--none of us know how long we have on this ride called Earth. And as society often reminds us, no one on their deathbed wishes they had spent more time at the office! How will I take back some of this peace of mind when I return to my job?
However, in the midst of feeling like I have all the time in the world, I also feel the preciousness of time more now that I'm older. I want to spend more time with family, with friends, with activities I enjoy, because I know it is a limited time offer. My dad was saying yesterday that a ballplayer will get a five-year, multimillion dollar contract and he wonders if he will even be around by the time the contract is up (he's 85 now). How important it is to make time for what truly matters--none of us know how long we have on this ride called Earth. And as society often reminds us, no one on their deathbed wishes they had spent more time at the office! How will I take back some of this peace of mind when I return to my job?
Saturday, March 7, 2015
One is the Loneliest Number
I can fully understand now why men who retire pressure their wives into retiring soon afterward. Even if you have a fairly busy social life (like me, which unfortunately most men don't), there is SO much time alone to fill. And while I am an introvert by nature, even I am having a hard time with all the alone time. You find yourself talking to yourself. You find the tv or stereo on just for company.
I strongly believe that man (or woman) is not meant to be alone--at least not most of the time. It's too easy to fall into rumination and isolation. You forget that there is a great big alive world out there. You forget how to carry on a conversation beyond commenting on the weather. Man is a social animal. We get a lot of our creative juices and energy from other people. I think women have it easier in that they tend to be more social by nature but it's hard no matter who you are if you are "going it alone". It is a good reminder to start and keep up the social contacts I already have.
I still think living in a commune or collective would be the best solution! Maybe that's why they invented retirement homes!
I strongly believe that man (or woman) is not meant to be alone--at least not most of the time. It's too easy to fall into rumination and isolation. You forget that there is a great big alive world out there. You forget how to carry on a conversation beyond commenting on the weather. Man is a social animal. We get a lot of our creative juices and energy from other people. I think women have it easier in that they tend to be more social by nature but it's hard no matter who you are if you are "going it alone". It is a good reminder to start and keep up the social contacts I already have.
I still think living in a commune or collective would be the best solution! Maybe that's why they invented retirement homes!
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Going with the Flow
Another "F" word! They're everywhere... :)
I figured out something very basic--I don't have to decide anything right now. Talk about relieving some pressure! I keep spiraling the questions over and over in my mind--where to live, who to live with, whether I should keep my job--and it simply wears me out and adds stress to what should be a very peaceful and relaxing time of my life. So today, I stopped thinking about the future (which I have little control over anyway) and decided not to decide. Not as a cop out, but simply because I don't need to yet. When the time comes, I will have more information and will make a choice based on what feels right and go from there. Until then, my job is simply to stay awake and aware to my feelings and my opportunities. Open heart, open mind. It was like being given permission to exhale after holding my breath way too long.... Why do we waste so much of life fretting (another good "f" word!) when we could be enjoying life so much more instead?! All is well, all will be well, and we need to trust that it is so.
I figured out something very basic--I don't have to decide anything right now. Talk about relieving some pressure! I keep spiraling the questions over and over in my mind--where to live, who to live with, whether I should keep my job--and it simply wears me out and adds stress to what should be a very peaceful and relaxing time of my life. So today, I stopped thinking about the future (which I have little control over anyway) and decided not to decide. Not as a cop out, but simply because I don't need to yet. When the time comes, I will have more information and will make a choice based on what feels right and go from there. Until then, my job is simply to stay awake and aware to my feelings and my opportunities. Open heart, open mind. It was like being given permission to exhale after holding my breath way too long.... Why do we waste so much of life fretting (another good "f" word!) when we could be enjoying life so much more instead?! All is well, all will be well, and we need to trust that it is so.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
The "F" Word on a Sunday
What I realize some of this time off is doing is forcing me to face that dreaded "F" word-- fear. The fears of getting older, of not being as sharp, of not having enough money, of having life end without having focused on the people and activities that mean the most to me.
Today at church, the sermon was a great reminder that there is another "F" word that I am forgetting--faith. There are countless examples in the Bible and in life in general where people "followed their folly" and ended up with great results because they either earnestly sought to do God's will or they trusted that by doing what they truly loved, everything would work out (or at least they would feel fulfilled trying!). What if I firmly believed that with God all things are possible? What if I knew deep in my soul that if God is for us, who can be against us? What if I felt that I was indeed a "beloved child" in whom God is well pleased? Perhaps this feeling is not a mid-life crisis but rather a crisis of faith!
As I drove home along the ocean, I felt the freedom to move forward with some of my dreams, regardless of what I ultimately decide to do career or life wise. When I got home, I contacted a photographer friend and asked about apprenticing with him. I also made reservations to go visit some family I haven't seen in a while next month. Face your fears and folly on!
Today at church, the sermon was a great reminder that there is another "F" word that I am forgetting--faith. There are countless examples in the Bible and in life in general where people "followed their folly" and ended up with great results because they either earnestly sought to do God's will or they trusted that by doing what they truly loved, everything would work out (or at least they would feel fulfilled trying!). What if I firmly believed that with God all things are possible? What if I knew deep in my soul that if God is for us, who can be against us? What if I felt that I was indeed a "beloved child" in whom God is well pleased? Perhaps this feeling is not a mid-life crisis but rather a crisis of faith!
As I drove home along the ocean, I felt the freedom to move forward with some of my dreams, regardless of what I ultimately decide to do career or life wise. When I got home, I contacted a photographer friend and asked about apprenticing with him. I also made reservations to go visit some family I haven't seen in a while next month. Face your fears and folly on!
Thursday, February 26, 2015
What's it Worth
Being without a paycheck makes this leave of absence seem different from my usual summers off. It forces me to look at the financial implications of....everything. When you retire, the paychecks end too! A friend of mine who recently retired found that healthcare costs were higher than she anticipated, which in turn led her to going back to work part time. So much for retirement...
While it is true that having more money alleviates financial stress and strain, shouldn't the overall goal in life be doing something that really floats your boat and uses your talents and gifts to the fullest degree? What I find is interesting is how now that I make "real" money (as opposed to minimum wage), my ego has convinced me that I am somehow "worth" more as well. And that if I don't have a job that pays a "worthy" amount, then I shouldn't consider doing it. But how many people become enslaved to a job simply because it pays well or offers benefits in retirement? I guess each person has different needs for security, however they define it. Some can live hand to mouth and be fine--either that's how they've always lived or they trust that God will provide. Others are in horror of such a lifestyle. Some feel a lack at not being able to buy the latest and greatest "thing". Others have simple needs and can get by with bare necessities.
I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I can live on a minimum amount (as my AmeriCorps days proved) but I also enjoy not having to worry about money (especially when it comes to unexpected expenses like repairs or medical stuff). However, my free time and happiness level also matter greatly to me--I work to live, not live to work. My ideal job would be 30 hours a week, working with people I really enjoy (read have fun and laugh with), making a worthy minimum of $40,000 a year. Photography, travel, and/or writing a plus. Anyone hiring?
While it is true that having more money alleviates financial stress and strain, shouldn't the overall goal in life be doing something that really floats your boat and uses your talents and gifts to the fullest degree? What I find is interesting is how now that I make "real" money (as opposed to minimum wage), my ego has convinced me that I am somehow "worth" more as well. And that if I don't have a job that pays a "worthy" amount, then I shouldn't consider doing it. But how many people become enslaved to a job simply because it pays well or offers benefits in retirement? I guess each person has different needs for security, however they define it. Some can live hand to mouth and be fine--either that's how they've always lived or they trust that God will provide. Others are in horror of such a lifestyle. Some feel a lack at not being able to buy the latest and greatest "thing". Others have simple needs and can get by with bare necessities.
I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I can live on a minimum amount (as my AmeriCorps days proved) but I also enjoy not having to worry about money (especially when it comes to unexpected expenses like repairs or medical stuff). However, my free time and happiness level also matter greatly to me--I work to live, not live to work. My ideal job would be 30 hours a week, working with people I really enjoy (read have fun and laugh with), making a worthy minimum of $40,000 a year. Photography, travel, and/or writing a plus. Anyone hiring?
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Brain Fog
When do I feel most ready to retire? When I can barely remember my own name! I don't know if it's chemical, hormonal, or just being tired, but there are days when I am so fuzzy-headed that I question my ability to do more than take up oxygen. Am I buying into our society's claim that you become less mentally sharp as you age or is it a reality?
At work I find it harder to remember all of the information coming at me from all sides. Luckily, Providence seems to provide reminders unexpectedly (a kid walks by and I suddenly think "Ah--I was supposed to talk to a teacher about him") or I suddenly remember something as I'm driving in to work (yes, I have a phone call I need to make) or I take enough notes to remind myself of what I need to absolutely not forget, but it can feel troubling. Is it an illusion that once I couldn't FORGET anything and my brain was like lightning? Probably... but I miss those days!
A friend of mine recently gave me a subscription to Lumosity, a website that challenges you with brain games focused on speed, attention, memory, problem solving, etc. It's fun! Unfortunately, when they give these tests, they don't take into account that some people know the numerical keypad without looking, and some of us have a temperamental mouse and aren't able to select things quickly, and some people just plain freeze up when put under testing pressure, but overall, you get a sense of how much you are struggling or not mentally compared to others in your age group.
Wouldn't it be interesting if tests like those were given yearly to everyone to determine your fitness to continue to work? In some ways it reminds me of the standardized tests we give kids--there are so many factors they don't measure and overall, they make kids feel anxious and make them question their abilities/intellect. I digress! But there are people who SHOULD retire and there are people who shouldn't be compelled to retire simply based on cognitive ability. Let's just hope they don't give us The Test on one of our foggy days!
At work I find it harder to remember all of the information coming at me from all sides. Luckily, Providence seems to provide reminders unexpectedly (a kid walks by and I suddenly think "Ah--I was supposed to talk to a teacher about him") or I suddenly remember something as I'm driving in to work (yes, I have a phone call I need to make) or I take enough notes to remind myself of what I need to absolutely not forget, but it can feel troubling. Is it an illusion that once I couldn't FORGET anything and my brain was like lightning? Probably... but I miss those days!
A friend of mine recently gave me a subscription to Lumosity, a website that challenges you with brain games focused on speed, attention, memory, problem solving, etc. It's fun! Unfortunately, when they give these tests, they don't take into account that some people know the numerical keypad without looking, and some of us have a temperamental mouse and aren't able to select things quickly, and some people just plain freeze up when put under testing pressure, but overall, you get a sense of how much you are struggling or not mentally compared to others in your age group.
Wouldn't it be interesting if tests like those were given yearly to everyone to determine your fitness to continue to work? In some ways it reminds me of the standardized tests we give kids--there are so many factors they don't measure and overall, they make kids feel anxious and make them question their abilities/intellect. I digress! But there are people who SHOULD retire and there are people who shouldn't be compelled to retire simply based on cognitive ability. Let's just hope they don't give us The Test on one of our foggy days!
Friday, February 20, 2015
Why Work?
I was cleaning out my computer files and came across something I wrote three years ago. It seems even more relevant now:
Why
do we work at all? Is the only reason we need to work/hold a job is because
it provides "coin" in the societal bartering system? If you were
truly self-sufficient, you wouldn't require a job--keeping yourself fed and
clothed would become your job! Or, if your needs became quite simple and basic,
you could have a part-time job and still get by as long as you were willing to
adjust your lifestyle and expectations accordingly. So the question becomes:
HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED AND WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO/TRADE/LOSE TO GET IT?
We
as an American society often decide that we need fancy cars or exotic vacations
or bigger houses and then spend the rest of our lives paying for those
“necessities”. Other cultures place more value on relationships and spending
time with people in social settings. Their workday may be shorter, their
vacations longer, and their “pressing needs” are more around what to bring to
the community dinner.
Another
aspect of work is the emphasis our society places on retirement. People work
non-stop 30-40 years (often compromising their health from the stress in the
process) to be able to spend the last 5-30 years of their lives not working. They
worry whether they will have the health insurance coverage they need in their
old age if they get sick. Countless workers scrimp and save to get to
retirement only to die a few years later. The money that was to be their
security in old age is now given over to taxes and heirs. This mentality is
also different in other countries, where multiple generations live with or near
each other and caring for the elderly is either an expectation or people just continue
working until they die.
Few
people can stand to do nothing day after day. I believe it is part of man’s
inherent nature to be productive and want to contribute to the world. We work
to give back to society. It is by “doing our part” that we justify our place on
this planet. Many jobs allow people to do this but the problem is that while
the work may be valuable to the community as a whole, it often does not feed
the soul of the person due to its repetitive nature or the way society values
it or how isolating it is or the fact that it doesn’t truly utilize the skills and
gifts of the person doing the job.
A
2009 Conference Board survey of 5000 households showed that only 45% of
Americans are satisfied with their jobs, with how much money they make cited as
the main reason for dissatisfaction. Does this mean our out-of-control wants
are possibly contributing to our general unhappiness? Obviously people who are working
full time and are still at or below poverty level are going to find daily life enormously
stressful. But to be happy with what you have and to not need all the consumer frills
surely plays a part in overall life satisfaction too.
Interestingly,
having a job that is personally fulfilling is a fairly new concept in our
society, since it used to be you did whatever work you could to feed your
family, often manual labor. But my question is, why shouldn’t something that
takes up so much of your life on Earth be something that not only enriches the
world but makes you excited to get up in the morning? I do believe we are put
on the planet to express our talents and strengths in a way that enhances our
lives and the people around us.
Another
factor in job happiness is the people with whom you work. A good set of
colleagues can make or break a workplace. So, what defines a good colleague?
Positive attitude is wonderful but being competent and pulling your weight are
also very important. No one likes to work with someone who does the bare
minimum or takes advantage of the system. No one likes to work with a gossip or
someone who spends all their time socializing instead of working either. And
who likes to work with someone who is always complaining about health and
personal problems? All of these contribute to overall job dissatisfaction.
Being at a friendly job fulfills a social need. It could be lonely, boring, and
isolating to be at home all the time. Perhaps a career is where the Serenity
Prayer originated: accept the things you cannot change, change the things you
can, and have the wisdom to know the difference…
Another point to consider is whether the
problem is actually with the job or with an attitude or fear or problem within
you that you will simply carry to the next place of employment. Wherever you
go, there you are! Look at your work history and there is a common thread in
your discontentment—you. How do you change that?
So
the question is: how do we find work that is something we like, that pays well,
with people who aren’t going to drive us crazy? Is that an impossible dream? Is
opening your own business the only answer? Do you give in to the fear-mongering
that says you will die destitute and alone if you aren’t successful in your
career and save $10,000 a year in your IRA? Do you let the positives of a
situation outweigh the negatives simply because you’d rather take the known
rather than the unknown? How do you define success?
If
the saying “Do what you love and the money will follow” is true, then what is
preventing you from following your passion? If you had the ideal job, what
would be different? Is there a way to start transitioning to that place, either
through classes or volunteering or going part time? Are you happy working as a
team or are you better doing most things by yourself? Do you have the self-discipline
to run your own business? How much people contact do you need? How much
incoming money is your bare minimum?
Perhaps
you are being drawn to a more spiritual life where you live simply and are more
self sufficient. What does a typical day look like for you? What is the appeal
of that lifestyle? Is there a way you could move toward that without completely
opting out of your current situation? Are there classes, books, or experiences
you need to have before you make that your new way of life?
We
have no guarantees in life. We don’t know if we will live long enough to retire
or what health or financial situation may confront us unexpectedly. While I am
not advocating throwing all caution to the wind, I do believe that life is
meant to be LIVED in a way that makes us feel glad to be here on Earth. I want
to feel like I squeezed all the joy and juiciness out of life while I could,
and not feel my days are an endless repetition til death. I want to feel rested
and active and healthy and mentally challenged and learning ALL the time—not
just on weekends or breaks or summers. Above all, I want to be around positive
energy. People who are happy and not complaining, who are active, growing, and inspire
me by their example and encouragement.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
What's in a Word
According to the Oxford dictionary, the word "retire" has many meanings in addition to the one where you leave office or employment because of age. It also means "to withdraw, go away, retreat" or "go to bed". In baseball, it refers to ending a turn at bat. In cricket, it is the suspending of an inning. With a car, the literal definition would be putting new radials on the old girl. What it boils down to is taking a break to renew, refresh, and rejuvenate--sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. I thought of how this leave of absence has all of the positive aspects of retirement, but with the lingering knowledge that I am not "out of the game" for good yet.
One of the beaches I frequent around here is called Asilomar. Its literal meaning is "haven by the sea." Today I am going to a wonderful hot springs resort in Carmel Valley named "The Refuge". It seems this area has been tailor made to encourage rest and relaxation for this period of my life!
Wouldn't our society be healthier if ALL people could have multiple mini retirements built into their lives? Every four years, you get four months off with pay! You also get one month of vacation every year--period. Of course, people who work in the school system do get a regular breaks (but trust me, no one could stay sane if they didn't!), but what about all other people who yearn for and need a solid chunk of time to catch up, think, and just have some down time? I think the old "keeping the Sabbath holy" idea wasn't just religious--it was lifegiving and wise. Too bad it has become another day to run around like crazy....
I've heard many people are now calling it "re-fire" instead of retire. I like that idea. You are reinventing yourself, regaining your perspective, and renewing your general enthusiasm for living. That is most certainly what I've been doing the past two months! To think I still have five more months to keep exploring is a truly wonderful gift. The question is: will I ever want to go back to "business as usual" when it's all said and done? This peace and freedom is quite seductive!!!
One of the beaches I frequent around here is called Asilomar. Its literal meaning is "haven by the sea." Today I am going to a wonderful hot springs resort in Carmel Valley named "The Refuge". It seems this area has been tailor made to encourage rest and relaxation for this period of my life!
Wouldn't our society be healthier if ALL people could have multiple mini retirements built into their lives? Every four years, you get four months off with pay! You also get one month of vacation every year--period. Of course, people who work in the school system do get a regular breaks (but trust me, no one could stay sane if they didn't!), but what about all other people who yearn for and need a solid chunk of time to catch up, think, and just have some down time? I think the old "keeping the Sabbath holy" idea wasn't just religious--it was lifegiving and wise. Too bad it has become another day to run around like crazy....
I've heard many people are now calling it "re-fire" instead of retire. I like that idea. You are reinventing yourself, regaining your perspective, and renewing your general enthusiasm for living. That is most certainly what I've been doing the past two months! To think I still have five more months to keep exploring is a truly wonderful gift. The question is: will I ever want to go back to "business as usual" when it's all said and done? This peace and freedom is quite seductive!!!
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Changing the World
I admit I'm an idealist-- I see the possibilities, I get excited about making a difference. Today I thought about the legacy I want to leave the world. For me, it isn't enough to just live and die. I want to make my mark, whether it is through the lives I touch with the kids at school or the volunteer work I do or saving the planet through sustainable practices. It's why I did my year with AmeriCorps. It's why I made my own kids choose volunteer projects to do as they grew up. It's why I am incorporating volunteer work during this leave of absence.
I remember in my high school graduation speech, I chose a quote that seemed to sum it up for me back then:
"That man is a success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much. Who gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of children. Who left the world better than he found it--whether through an improved poppy or a perfect poem. Who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had."
Some things don't change! Here is a current quote I also like and appreciate:
“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing, you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
I remember in my high school graduation speech, I chose a quote that seemed to sum it up for me back then:
"That man is a success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much. Who gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of children. Who left the world better than he found it--whether through an improved poppy or a perfect poem. Who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had."
Some things don't change! Here is a current quote I also like and appreciate:
“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing, you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Going on an Explore
Well, I've spent about two months getting rested, relaxed, and refreshed. Now it's time to segue into another piece of this leave of absence: looking at other career options. Today I signed up for a six-month, 80 hour permaculture class being held one weekend a month in Boulder. The more I read about permaculture and sustainability, the more excited I feel. The thought of revolutionizing the planet through a mindset shift toward enriching the Earth and its people is very uplifting. The three main tenets of permaculture are : Love people, love the earth, and share the extra. What a simple (yet challenging) concept!
I feel I have included a lot of sustainability practices in my life--recycling, planting a garden, doing hydroponics, using a clothesline, putting in solar, biking to work, using fluorescent lights, composting, etc. However, I feel there is so much more that could be accomplished (even at the school I work at). The course is a little pricey, especially after the recent financial hits, but I figure, if not now, when? I have the time, which is usually the biggest issue.
Another avenue I am pursuing is my life coach certification. Again, the timing is the best it's ever going to be, and even if I don't become a coach, it will be a valuable addition to my counseling skills regardless. What I like is that it keeps giving me options, which is the greatest freedom and gift of all.
Am still looking into photography courses. Don't want to do anything online, which is unfortunately where most of the classes are. Am hoping to be able to mentor/apprentice with someone who already does the work. It's exciting to contemplate life for the next six months! I love it when I'm learning something new.....
I feel I have included a lot of sustainability practices in my life--recycling, planting a garden, doing hydroponics, using a clothesline, putting in solar, biking to work, using fluorescent lights, composting, etc. However, I feel there is so much more that could be accomplished (even at the school I work at). The course is a little pricey, especially after the recent financial hits, but I figure, if not now, when? I have the time, which is usually the biggest issue.
Another avenue I am pursuing is my life coach certification. Again, the timing is the best it's ever going to be, and even if I don't become a coach, it will be a valuable addition to my counseling skills regardless. What I like is that it keeps giving me options, which is the greatest freedom and gift of all.
Am still looking into photography courses. Don't want to do anything online, which is unfortunately where most of the classes are. Am hoping to be able to mentor/apprentice with someone who already does the work. It's exciting to contemplate life for the next six months! I love it when I'm learning something new.....
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
The Long and Winding Road
Well, I have two deadlines this Friday. I have to let the school district know if I will return to my position and I have to decide about trying to do a job share.
I think the job share isn't the best choice--at least not this year, even though working 24 hours a week for a decent wage would be ideal as far as I'm concerned. By trying to do a job share, I am locked into going back to my previous job (I'd like to have the option of going to a different position or school just for a change) and I don't even know if my principal would go for it. So, it appears that option is off the plate.
I went ahead and sent in my "Option to Return" letter, although I know that if I changed my mind later, I could still back out (it's just if I don't send it, they automatically terminate!). While I am loving my free time and the glorious lack of responsibilities right now, when I look down the road at real retirement, I convince myself that I should put in five more years with the district so I can qualify for a small pension. But at what cost--to my marriage, to my sanity, to my general quality of life? THAT is the question...Five years sounds like a blink, and in retrospect it always is. But five years in practice can be a long, long time and I will be five years older too.
I think the job share isn't the best choice--at least not this year, even though working 24 hours a week for a decent wage would be ideal as far as I'm concerned. By trying to do a job share, I am locked into going back to my previous job (I'd like to have the option of going to a different position or school just for a change) and I don't even know if my principal would go for it. So, it appears that option is off the plate.
I went ahead and sent in my "Option to Return" letter, although I know that if I changed my mind later, I could still back out (it's just if I don't send it, they automatically terminate!). While I am loving my free time and the glorious lack of responsibilities right now, when I look down the road at real retirement, I convince myself that I should put in five more years with the district so I can qualify for a small pension. But at what cost--to my marriage, to my sanity, to my general quality of life? THAT is the question...Five years sounds like a blink, and in retrospect it always is. But five years in practice can be a long, long time and I will be five years older too.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Metaphors on a Beach
During today's rainy beach walk, I was looking for signs--things out of the ordinary that might give me insight into my current life and decisions a la Anne Morrow Lindberg. It's interesting to note what I found:
1) a dead seal
2) a yellow plastic sieve shovel
3) a double rainbow
4) a pair of perfectly useable black flip flops
5) several kelp holdfasts that had been tossed ashore by the rough water
Hmmm.... The seal could be a reminder of the impermanence of life. Or it might signal that a "seal" in my life has been broken. Or it could just be he was in the wrong place at the wrong time....
The toy shovel seems to be designed to allow sand to run through and to catch any impurities that might spoil the pristine scoop. I need to let the same thing happen in my life--let the good stuff keep flowing and weed out that which is not.
The double rainbow was amazing. At one point, it actually started IN the ocean and rose into the air, something I've never seen before. The colors were so vivid too! It felt like hope and gratitude poured
from the sky. How beautiful is life!
The flip flops were a reminder to "hang loose" and take it easy--don't get so serious in my approach to life.
Lastly, the holdfasts reminded me there is a time to "hold fast" and a time to let go. It takes a lot to dislodge these chunks that secure the kelp in the ocean, but it's all part of the life cycle. Now I need to figure out what it is I'm supposed to hold onto and what I'm supposed to let go of!
1) a dead seal
2) a yellow plastic sieve shovel
3) a double rainbow
4) a pair of perfectly useable black flip flops
5) several kelp holdfasts that had been tossed ashore by the rough water
Hmmm.... The seal could be a reminder of the impermanence of life. Or it might signal that a "seal" in my life has been broken. Or it could just be he was in the wrong place at the wrong time....
The toy shovel seems to be designed to allow sand to run through and to catch any impurities that might spoil the pristine scoop. I need to let the same thing happen in my life--let the good stuff keep flowing and weed out that which is not.
The double rainbow was amazing. At one point, it actually started IN the ocean and rose into the air, something I've never seen before. The colors were so vivid too! It felt like hope and gratitude poured
The flip flops were a reminder to "hang loose" and take it easy--don't get so serious in my approach to life.
Lastly, the holdfasts reminded me there is a time to "hold fast" and a time to let go. It takes a lot to dislodge these chunks that secure the kelp in the ocean, but it's all part of the life cycle. Now I need to figure out what it is I'm supposed to hold onto and what I'm supposed to let go of!
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
There's No Place Like...
Home?
Today I was reading a really excellent book by Henri Nouwen, "The Inner Voice of Love". In it, one of his insights read " So stop wandering around. Instead, come home and trust that God will bring you what you need."
It resonated with me tremendously (and unfortunately described me more than I'd like to admit). However, the thought hit me--where IS home? Is it California? Colorado? Somewhere else entirely? Is home simply a metaphor for a life with God? I feel I have been split and pulled 'between worlds' for years now. I am envious of other people who have what I consider a "normal" life--lived in one location with occasional vacations to distant lands (or relatives!). Part of this leave was to try and settle into one location for good. According to Nouwen, "home is where you are truly safe. It is where you can receive what you desire... when you come home and stay home, you will find the love that will bring rest to your heart."
I agree with Nouwen--I need to just go home and "stop running and start trusting and receiving". But I am at a loss as to where that is. Is it where my things are? Is it where I've lived the longest? Is it where my husband lives? Is it where my kids live? Is it where my job is? Is it where I feel most peaceful? Why is it so hard to answer this question? If I were Dorothy in Oz, where would I be trying to return to?
Today I was reading a really excellent book by Henri Nouwen, "The Inner Voice of Love". In it, one of his insights read " So stop wandering around. Instead, come home and trust that God will bring you what you need."
It resonated with me tremendously (and unfortunately described me more than I'd like to admit). However, the thought hit me--where IS home? Is it California? Colorado? Somewhere else entirely? Is home simply a metaphor for a life with God? I feel I have been split and pulled 'between worlds' for years now. I am envious of other people who have what I consider a "normal" life--lived in one location with occasional vacations to distant lands (or relatives!). Part of this leave was to try and settle into one location for good. According to Nouwen, "home is where you are truly safe. It is where you can receive what you desire... when you come home and stay home, you will find the love that will bring rest to your heart."
I agree with Nouwen--I need to just go home and "stop running and start trusting and receiving". But I am at a loss as to where that is. Is it where my things are? Is it where I've lived the longest? Is it where my husband lives? Is it where my kids live? Is it where my job is? Is it where I feel most peaceful? Why is it so hard to answer this question? If I were Dorothy in Oz, where would I be trying to return to?
Friday, January 30, 2015
That's the Way I Like It!
You know what is sweet? Not being at the beck and call of an alarm or a schedule. Being able to get as much or as little sleep as my body needs and feeling rested almost all of the time. What a concept! Doing activities and being able to be completely in the moment because there isn't a little voice asking if this is really how I want to spend my limited free time. Don't get something done today? There's always tomorrow! There's such a nice sense of being caught up instead of always racing to get the critical stuff done--such a sense of peace and contentment!
What I've found after the past six weeks is that I can breathe again. I can think again. I can feel and act like a normal person (which I know is a nebulous concept, but one that I've been missing lately!). While I still think a part-time job would be ideal, having this big chunk of time to decompress and settle my nervous system has been a total gift. Why does working have to have such a crazy stress component to it? Is it actually the job or is it my temperament or both? Hm....
What I've found after the past six weeks is that I can breathe again. I can think again. I can feel and act like a normal person (which I know is a nebulous concept, but one that I've been missing lately!). While I still think a part-time job would be ideal, having this big chunk of time to decompress and settle my nervous system has been a total gift. Why does working have to have such a crazy stress component to it? Is it actually the job or is it my temperament or both? Hm....
Monday, January 26, 2015
Council of Wisdom
The talk at church yesterday challenged us to think of people who have been/are role models for us. What do we learn from these souls who live from an enlightened or positive place? I don't mean just the great teachers of modern religions or famous authors or people from history--I think of the "common people" from my everyday life who provide me with inspiration in the way they approach life.
They stay involved in life--helping other people, trying new things, staying interested in the world around them, and being active. They continue to challenge themselves to become better people by examining their attitudes, their automatic responses, their "sharp points" and hot buttons. They dialog with others to test their philosophies and ideas. They face growing older with grace, with courage, and with a knowledge that our time here is precious and limited. They also know how to laugh at themselves and at the world, knowing this too shall pass.
I was surprised at how many names popped into my head! And I felt grateful that so many of these souls are people I call friend or family member. In the sermon, we were reminded that we usually become like those we hang around. I certainly hope so!
They stay involved in life--helping other people, trying new things, staying interested in the world around them, and being active. They continue to challenge themselves to become better people by examining their attitudes, their automatic responses, their "sharp points" and hot buttons. They dialog with others to test their philosophies and ideas. They face growing older with grace, with courage, and with a knowledge that our time here is precious and limited. They also know how to laugh at themselves and at the world, knowing this too shall pass.
I was surprised at how many names popped into my head! And I felt grateful that so many of these souls are people I call friend or family member. In the sermon, we were reminded that we usually become like those we hang around. I certainly hope so!
Sunday, January 25, 2015
It's FUNdamental
Today's musing comes from the fact that even though I have time to do anything and everything I want, what used to feel like a break from work now has a "work" feel to it because I feel I HAVE to do it since I have the time! What strange stories we tell ourselves in our heads! For instance, doing yard work can be something I enjoy or it can be a chore. It's all in the attitude--whether I'm are doing it during my precious time off from a regular job or my abundant time off when I'm not working. Same with going out to do things in the evening. Before, I would say I had work in the morning or the weather was bad or it was too far to drive. Now that I have no excuses I am still finding it easier to hunker down in my cave. So easy to talk yourself into a small life!
Many of the things I planned to do during this time seem like they are a bigger effort than I want to put forth--doing more photography, dancing, working out, writng the great American novel, etc. Before, I used the excuse of being tired from work or not wanting to spend all my free time in front of a computer screen. Now I find I am still making excuses! What's up with that? I guess we all delude ourselves around the reasons we don't do one thing or another, when really the answer is simply we are too lazy. Hard to face the truth, but there it is.
Need to find more motivation to overcome the inertia. What I need is a partner in crime-- it's always easier (and more fun) with two!
Many of the things I planned to do during this time seem like they are a bigger effort than I want to put forth--doing more photography, dancing, working out, writng the great American novel, etc. Before, I used the excuse of being tired from work or not wanting to spend all my free time in front of a computer screen. Now I find I am still making excuses! What's up with that? I guess we all delude ourselves around the reasons we don't do one thing or another, when really the answer is simply we are too lazy. Hard to face the truth, but there it is.
Need to find more motivation to overcome the inertia. What I need is a partner in crime-- it's always easier (and more fun) with two!
Friday, January 23, 2015
Show Me the Money!!!
I budgeted $10,000 for expenses for this sabbatical. The repair bill, ticket, and motel night from the car accident came to almost $3400, putting a substantial hole into my budget the very first month.
Yesterday I volunteered for the day at Esalen, a beautiful retreat center in Big Sur. I spent five hours hoe-ing, weeding, and helping to hoop-n-net their gardens. It was a gorgeously sunny day in the low 70s. I could see the ocean (and dolphins and whales) from my vantage point and hoed in rhythm to the sound of the waves. Afterwards, I had a deliciously fresh organic lunch followed by a much-appreciated soak in the hot springs and a journaling retreat hanging in a swing overlooking the grounds and ocean. Bliss! Peace! Beauty! It was a special day indeed.
However, upon arriving home, I found my wallet was no longer in my purse. After frantically searching the car and all my belongings, I had to acknowledge that it was either lost or stolen at Esalen. A couple of days ago, I had visited an ATM and was so appalled by the service fees, I had withdrawn a larger chunk of money than usual so I wouldn't have to go back again anytime soon. So, my wallet had over $300 in it, along with the usual credit cards, driver's license, photos, stamps, gift cards, etc. Ouch!!!!
What is going on?! I truly feel there is some lesson in all of this expense lately. Is it around letting go and trusting? Is it reminding me why it's important to have a job and paycheck? Is it about staying grateful and centered no matter what? Is it a reminder to feel solidarity with people who are struggling financially for whatever reason? For me it's been a little of all of the above. It's also been a lot of extra frustration and questioning my faith in people (but that's for another blog posting). For now, I guess I'm grateful that I have the free time to start getting everything replaced and that I don't need to drive anywhere right now. But can I also say Enough Already!
Yesterday I volunteered for the day at Esalen, a beautiful retreat center in Big Sur. I spent five hours hoe-ing, weeding, and helping to hoop-n-net their gardens. It was a gorgeously sunny day in the low 70s. I could see the ocean (and dolphins and whales) from my vantage point and hoed in rhythm to the sound of the waves. Afterwards, I had a deliciously fresh organic lunch followed by a much-appreciated soak in the hot springs and a journaling retreat hanging in a swing overlooking the grounds and ocean. Bliss! Peace! Beauty! It was a special day indeed.
However, upon arriving home, I found my wallet was no longer in my purse. After frantically searching the car and all my belongings, I had to acknowledge that it was either lost or stolen at Esalen. A couple of days ago, I had visited an ATM and was so appalled by the service fees, I had withdrawn a larger chunk of money than usual so I wouldn't have to go back again anytime soon. So, my wallet had over $300 in it, along with the usual credit cards, driver's license, photos, stamps, gift cards, etc. Ouch!!!!
What is going on?! I truly feel there is some lesson in all of this expense lately. Is it around letting go and trusting? Is it reminding me why it's important to have a job and paycheck? Is it about staying grateful and centered no matter what? Is it a reminder to feel solidarity with people who are struggling financially for whatever reason? For me it's been a little of all of the above. It's also been a lot of extra frustration and questioning my faith in people (but that's for another blog posting). For now, I guess I'm grateful that I have the free time to start getting everything replaced and that I don't need to drive anywhere right now. But can I also say Enough Already!
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Becoming One of THOSE People
I realized today that I made 4-5 facebook postings in the past week. Why? Because my life is so utterly fascinating? No! Because I have the time, I'm taking a lot of photos, and I am on the internet WAY too much these days. I am becoming a second generation couch potato! I'm not watching tv, but it seems everything I am interested in or want to research or want to stay in contact with is on the bloody computer. It is the ultimate seduction... But I find that sitting in front of a screen so much is deadening to me overall. And I've never wanted to be one of the people who facebook about every move they make, every photo they've taken, every meal they've eaten.
I keep having this sense that I need to be doing something meaningful and important with this precious free time. But one of the problems is I don't know how long I will be in this area, which prevents me from volunteering somewhere or signing up for a class or getting a part time job. I can do projects around the house (mainly yardwork), but even that is limited. Is it simply my Puritan self that feels I have to be DOING SOMETHING in order to be happy? Is it lack of people contact in "real life" that makes me want to share on facebook or on this blog or in emails?
Today I am doing a mystery shopper job at Ghiradelli's. I have to buy a sundae and report on the condition of the store and the friendliness of the employees. A tough job, but someone has to do it! Maybe I'll write about it on facebook... :)
I keep having this sense that I need to be doing something meaningful and important with this precious free time. But one of the problems is I don't know how long I will be in this area, which prevents me from volunteering somewhere or signing up for a class or getting a part time job. I can do projects around the house (mainly yardwork), but even that is limited. Is it simply my Puritan self that feels I have to be DOING SOMETHING in order to be happy? Is it lack of people contact in "real life" that makes me want to share on facebook or on this blog or in emails?
Today I am doing a mystery shopper job at Ghiradelli's. I have to buy a sundae and report on the condition of the store and the friendliness of the employees. A tough job, but someone has to do it! Maybe I'll write about it on facebook... :)
Monday, January 19, 2015
(Wo)Man's Search for Meaning
Viktor Frankl wrote an entire book on finding meaning in life, even when imprisoned in a concentration camp. I am beginning to realize he was extremely accurate in his final analysis--that our last freedom is the ability to choose our attitude in any situation, and that love for another or for something is what gives life meaning.
Being "retired" means you have much time to fill on your hands. It becomes easy to just go through the motions in your daily life--get up, exercise, clean up, read a little, answer your emails. And after a while, it kind of feels like "going through the motions". Perhaps this is why people enjoy grandchildren or pets at this stage--they are so full of life and love. Or why people get into a part time job or volunteering. We all need to feel needed or cared about.
It's ironic that many people who are working also feel they are simply going through the motions in life. The people they are with seem dull or uninteresting. The job seems too routine or tedious or demanding. That has certainly been true for me! There is something in us that calls us to greater expression--of creativity, of giving, of fulfillment, of exploration. Or is it simply we are in need of an attitude adjustment? Of finding that greater love and meaning in whomever we are with or whatever we are doing right now? Challenging to know whether there is more growth in staying put or moving on to something new....Ultimately, it is finding the path with the most meaning.
Being "retired" means you have much time to fill on your hands. It becomes easy to just go through the motions in your daily life--get up, exercise, clean up, read a little, answer your emails. And after a while, it kind of feels like "going through the motions". Perhaps this is why people enjoy grandchildren or pets at this stage--they are so full of life and love. Or why people get into a part time job or volunteering. We all need to feel needed or cared about.
It's ironic that many people who are working also feel they are simply going through the motions in life. The people they are with seem dull or uninteresting. The job seems too routine or tedious or demanding. That has certainly been true for me! There is something in us that calls us to greater expression--of creativity, of giving, of fulfillment, of exploration. Or is it simply we are in need of an attitude adjustment? Of finding that greater love and meaning in whomever we are with or whatever we are doing right now? Challenging to know whether there is more growth in staying put or moving on to something new....Ultimately, it is finding the path with the most meaning.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
The Road Less Traveled
Yesterday's hike was such a metaphor for my life. I was walking through a familiar place, enjoying the scenery and drinking in the natural beauty. At some point, I decided to stray off the usual path and take all the side roads that I have always passed by. Some led to dead ends (however, there were great views!) and I had to turn around and return to where I left the main trail. Some turned out to be loops, where I meandered for awhile and ended up back in the same place where I started. These still gave me a different perspective and allowed me to see things I wouldn't normally. Some went to parts of the park that I had never been to and I got some great photos and a little excitement seeing something new. I'd venture off the main track for a while but somehow ended back on it eventually.
The bottom line though, was whichever new trail I took, it was still good--whether for the view, the new experience, the variety, or just building some new neural pathways in my brain! How easily we get stuck in a routine, doing the same familiar things over and over, afraid of what might happen if we make a wrong choice! This hike was a good reminder that ALL decisions have potential, and that even if you end up in a dead end, there is a gift to be had and you can always find your way back to the main path and continue on. For me, the worst choice is to just stay on the road always taken because it is the easiest thing to do. I need to remember this as I make my upcoming decisions....
The bottom line though, was whichever new trail I took, it was still good--whether for the view, the new experience, the variety, or just building some new neural pathways in my brain! How easily we get stuck in a routine, doing the same familiar things over and over, afraid of what might happen if we make a wrong choice! This hike was a good reminder that ALL decisions have potential, and that even if you end up in a dead end, there is a gift to be had and you can always find your way back to the main path and continue on. For me, the worst choice is to just stay on the road always taken because it is the easiest thing to do. I need to remember this as I make my upcoming decisions....
Monday, January 12, 2015
Perchance to Dream
What does it mean when I dream about school almost every night? Is this just a brain core dump as my system flushes out the past six years? Or is my brain trying to remember how to do the job so I don't forget? Or, like my dreams of not being able to find/open my locker, are the job dreams a sign of stress that I will be doomed to have the rest of my life? :)
What weird things are dreams! Are they a window to our innermost self or are they just a juicer of everything we have been exposed to over our day? Why do some people (like me) dream vividly and memorably and others not remember their dreams at all? And why are there times when people have a experience where they meet someone who has just died or have a foretelling of what is going to happen in the future? Why do we become psychotic if we don't get the chance to dream? The world is so much more than we consciously perceive!
What weird things are dreams! Are they a window to our innermost self or are they just a juicer of everything we have been exposed to over our day? Why do some people (like me) dream vividly and memorably and others not remember their dreams at all? And why are there times when people have a experience where they meet someone who has just died or have a foretelling of what is going to happen in the future? Why do we become psychotic if we don't get the chance to dream? The world is so much more than we consciously perceive!
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me
One of the hazards of having a lot of time on your hands is that those hands like to stay busy. And unfortunately, if there's no work to do, there's always eating! I had these great plans and dreams to get at least an hour's workout every day. Okay, maybe most days. But I've found that unless I have a specific activity planned (i.e., bike through Pebble Beach at 9 am or a dance lesson at 7 pm), my day gets sucked away with other things and then I'm too tired or unmotivated to exercise. I guess some things don't change whether you are working or not! What does change is the availability and freedom to eat whenever you want. I have a feeling the "freshman fifteen" have nothing on the "fifty-something fifteen" (except at an older age, it's harder to get rid of them!).
A challenge, to be sure. I look at the people I admire most and they have stayed very active as they've aged. It is a priority, a lifestyle, and a mindset. I'd love to use this time off to get in the best shape of my life. I started this venture at a certain size and weight. Let's see how I end it!
A challenge, to be sure. I look at the people I admire most and they have stayed very active as they've aged. It is a priority, a lifestyle, and a mindset. I'd love to use this time off to get in the best shape of my life. I started this venture at a certain size and weight. Let's see how I end it!
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Escaping the Rat Race
I am realizing that it's not WORK I want to leave. I miss the personal interactions, the structure, and definitely the paycheck! What I want to flee is the feeling of constant judgment, expectations, and routine. I love projects to complete. Give me a short-term assignment and I'm on it, loving the challenge, digging into getting 'er done. Give me a year of almost unremitting sameness and I'm ready to slit my throat. I tend to go 100 mph and then hit and wall and need to stop. Working at the school has been helpful since there are so many mini-breaks built in. But the school job has evolved--changing from one where guiding and helping the kids are the important things to where test scores drive just about everything. And my job is emotionally exhausting at times--I deal too much in the pain, trauma, and drama of life rather than something upbeat.
Today I wondered about the artist in me. When I do my photography or writing or music making or dancing, or gardening, I feel JOY. And THAT is what I want more of. I want a job that I can make decent money but have flexibility and creativity. I don't want to sit in a rocking chair and watch life go by. I don't want to be alone most of the time. I want to contribute to the world and to my own growth. Is the answer becoming a life coach? Taking the plunge and doing photography full time? Leading retreats for women? Or maybe just going to part time at the school and making a hobby more of a focus?
I have many ideas for what the next twenty years could look like. This time off is helping me to explore and clarify my decision.
Today I wondered about the artist in me. When I do my photography or writing or music making or dancing, or gardening, I feel JOY. And THAT is what I want more of. I want a job that I can make decent money but have flexibility and creativity. I don't want to sit in a rocking chair and watch life go by. I don't want to be alone most of the time. I want to contribute to the world and to my own growth. Is the answer becoming a life coach? Taking the plunge and doing photography full time? Leading retreats for women? Or maybe just going to part time at the school and making a hobby more of a focus?
I have many ideas for what the next twenty years could look like. This time off is helping me to explore and clarify my decision.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
The Bigger Questions
Having lots of time on your hands is like having Thanksgiving--there's too much to digest and you end up feeling overwhelmed by it all.
I went for a two-hour walk in the forest and found myself mired in an existential crisis. Why ARE we here? Is the purpose of life to indulge your passions? Help others? Be productive? Be all you can be? Or it is something deeper, like finding God? It seems we are born, we struggle, we have some good experiences, and then we die. Can that really be all there is?
I see people around me accumulating material possessions at an astonishing rate and I can't believe that is our collective goal. I see people who spend hours in front of the tv or computer or video games and I DEFINITELY can't believe that is a valuable use of our time on Earth. I see tons of money being spent on sports or rock stars or Hollywood and I find myself turning away in horror. But that is me. I like the simpler way of life. I value wisdom and family and education. Music, dancing, photography, and travel touch my soul. Is that a life of value? It seems too selfish....
And so I continue to contemplate what will give me joy and meaning in this phase of my life and how to offer the gifts I have for the betterment of the world. Tough!
I went for a two-hour walk in the forest and found myself mired in an existential crisis. Why ARE we here? Is the purpose of life to indulge your passions? Help others? Be productive? Be all you can be? Or it is something deeper, like finding God? It seems we are born, we struggle, we have some good experiences, and then we die. Can that really be all there is?
I see people around me accumulating material possessions at an astonishing rate and I can't believe that is our collective goal. I see people who spend hours in front of the tv or computer or video games and I DEFINITELY can't believe that is a valuable use of our time on Earth. I see tons of money being spent on sports or rock stars or Hollywood and I find myself turning away in horror. But that is me. I like the simpler way of life. I value wisdom and family and education. Music, dancing, photography, and travel touch my soul. Is that a life of value? It seems too selfish....
And so I continue to contemplate what will give me joy and meaning in this phase of my life and how to offer the gifts I have for the betterment of the world. Tough!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Seven Months of...Heaven?
How long does it take one to settle into serious down time? On Day Two of the Great Experiment, I find myself antsy that I'm not being productive--that I'm frittering my time away. Today I looked up from the computer and it was already 11! So seductive is the internet...
So, listening to my Puritan streak, I have made a loose schedule for myself in the coming days. An hour of guitar, an hour of exercise, an hour to clean house and body. I also realized that this can't be a) all about ME, and b) that I need to incorporate some major people time into my day or I will start talking back to the set.
To those ends, I have decided to devote an hour each week to answering online requests for prayer. Of course, my first attempt this morning was a dismal disaster, as I faithfully and thoughtfully answered ten requests and then promptly deleted nine of them, causing me to nearly throw the laptop across the room after spending an hour typing them. It was a lesson in patience and humility!
I am also going to try to get some kind of group activity or lesson going during the day. I have plenty of dance activities and photography plans for evenings, but to spend most of my day alone is unhealthy. I'm looking into finding a small dog as well. Better to talk to an animal than myself!
I can already see this is going to be a process. Being without my car is forcing me to slow down and actually take a look at myself and my life, which is important. It's too easy for me to go-go-go and find my time frittered away as well. I need to find balance! While I can go into "slug mode" for a week or two or even a couple of months in the summer, I find I need projects to keep me busy and a purpose to my day or I end up eating all the time and will become an obese recluse before I know it.
All of this has been rather unexpected. It makes me curious to see how things are going to turn out....
So, listening to my Puritan streak, I have made a loose schedule for myself in the coming days. An hour of guitar, an hour of exercise, an hour to clean house and body. I also realized that this can't be a) all about ME, and b) that I need to incorporate some major people time into my day or I will start talking back to the set.
To those ends, I have decided to devote an hour each week to answering online requests for prayer. Of course, my first attempt this morning was a dismal disaster, as I faithfully and thoughtfully answered ten requests and then promptly deleted nine of them, causing me to nearly throw the laptop across the room after spending an hour typing them. It was a lesson in patience and humility!
I am also going to try to get some kind of group activity or lesson going during the day. I have plenty of dance activities and photography plans for evenings, but to spend most of my day alone is unhealthy. I'm looking into finding a small dog as well. Better to talk to an animal than myself!
I can already see this is going to be a process. Being without my car is forcing me to slow down and actually take a look at myself and my life, which is important. It's too easy for me to go-go-go and find my time frittered away as well. I need to find balance! While I can go into "slug mode" for a week or two or even a couple of months in the summer, I find I need projects to keep me busy and a purpose to my day or I end up eating all the time and will become an obese recluse before I know it.
All of this has been rather unexpected. It makes me curious to see how things are going to turn out....
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