For the past two days, I have been back at work--saying goodbye to the kids, signing yearbooks, taking part in end-of-year activities. The hugs and appreciation leveled at me have been uplifting and heartfilling. Today I go back one last time for my yearly evaluation and I find myself in the same old pattern of stress and anxiety.
The main word that comes to mind is "vulnerable". I feel that I am once again going into the lion's den of judgment. There isn't a sense that we are a team pulling together--it is more one of each man for himself and Big Brother/Boss is watching. I don't feel any backup, either there or at home, which feels lonely and scary. I feel I'm on stage where my performance is being closely watched by critics and any misstep will prove disastrous. I am at their subjective mercy for my review... In terms of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I am left on the bottom rung, wanting some safety and security instead of being able to reach higher levels of creativity and confidence. There is a regular feeling of "not enough-ness" that haunts me.
Is it a problem with the system? Is it all coming from within me? Is it a feeling that I don't somehow deserve the money I'm making? What would it be like to honestly not care about the "good opinion" of other people and enjoy going in and making a contribution? What would it feel like to be free to speak my mind without fear that it would be held against me later on?
Therein lies the appeal of working for myself--either as a life coach or a photographer. Therein lies the appeal of having a life partner who can encourage me regardless of what I choose to do and can provide a reciprocal financial safety net. I am tired of being evaluated. I am tired of having to prove myself. I am tired of feeling the stress from having to be "outstanding". From that, I am definitely ready to retire!
No comments:
Post a Comment