You know what is sweet? Not being at the beck and call of an alarm or a schedule. Being able to get as much or as little sleep as my body needs and feeling rested almost all of the time. What a concept! Doing activities and being able to be completely in the moment because there isn't a little voice asking if this is really how I want to spend my limited free time. Don't get something done today? There's always tomorrow! There's such a nice sense of being caught up instead of always racing to get the critical stuff done--such a sense of peace and contentment!
What I've found after the past six weeks is that I can breathe again. I can think again. I can feel and act like a normal person (which I know is a nebulous concept, but one that I've been missing lately!). While I still think a part-time job would be ideal, having this big chunk of time to decompress and settle my nervous system has been a total gift. Why does working have to have such a crazy stress component to it? Is it actually the job or is it my temperament or both? Hm....
Friday, January 30, 2015
Monday, January 26, 2015
Council of Wisdom
The talk at church yesterday challenged us to think of people who have been/are role models for us. What do we learn from these souls who live from an enlightened or positive place? I don't mean just the great teachers of modern religions or famous authors or people from history--I think of the "common people" from my everyday life who provide me with inspiration in the way they approach life.
They stay involved in life--helping other people, trying new things, staying interested in the world around them, and being active. They continue to challenge themselves to become better people by examining their attitudes, their automatic responses, their "sharp points" and hot buttons. They dialog with others to test their philosophies and ideas. They face growing older with grace, with courage, and with a knowledge that our time here is precious and limited. They also know how to laugh at themselves and at the world, knowing this too shall pass.
I was surprised at how many names popped into my head! And I felt grateful that so many of these souls are people I call friend or family member. In the sermon, we were reminded that we usually become like those we hang around. I certainly hope so!
They stay involved in life--helping other people, trying new things, staying interested in the world around them, and being active. They continue to challenge themselves to become better people by examining their attitudes, their automatic responses, their "sharp points" and hot buttons. They dialog with others to test their philosophies and ideas. They face growing older with grace, with courage, and with a knowledge that our time here is precious and limited. They also know how to laugh at themselves and at the world, knowing this too shall pass.
I was surprised at how many names popped into my head! And I felt grateful that so many of these souls are people I call friend or family member. In the sermon, we were reminded that we usually become like those we hang around. I certainly hope so!
Sunday, January 25, 2015
It's FUNdamental
Today's musing comes from the fact that even though I have time to do anything and everything I want, what used to feel like a break from work now has a "work" feel to it because I feel I HAVE to do it since I have the time! What strange stories we tell ourselves in our heads! For instance, doing yard work can be something I enjoy or it can be a chore. It's all in the attitude--whether I'm are doing it during my precious time off from a regular job or my abundant time off when I'm not working. Same with going out to do things in the evening. Before, I would say I had work in the morning or the weather was bad or it was too far to drive. Now that I have no excuses I am still finding it easier to hunker down in my cave. So easy to talk yourself into a small life!
Many of the things I planned to do during this time seem like they are a bigger effort than I want to put forth--doing more photography, dancing, working out, writng the great American novel, etc. Before, I used the excuse of being tired from work or not wanting to spend all my free time in front of a computer screen. Now I find I am still making excuses! What's up with that? I guess we all delude ourselves around the reasons we don't do one thing or another, when really the answer is simply we are too lazy. Hard to face the truth, but there it is.
Need to find more motivation to overcome the inertia. What I need is a partner in crime-- it's always easier (and more fun) with two!
Many of the things I planned to do during this time seem like they are a bigger effort than I want to put forth--doing more photography, dancing, working out, writng the great American novel, etc. Before, I used the excuse of being tired from work or not wanting to spend all my free time in front of a computer screen. Now I find I am still making excuses! What's up with that? I guess we all delude ourselves around the reasons we don't do one thing or another, when really the answer is simply we are too lazy. Hard to face the truth, but there it is.
Need to find more motivation to overcome the inertia. What I need is a partner in crime-- it's always easier (and more fun) with two!
Friday, January 23, 2015
Show Me the Money!!!
I budgeted $10,000 for expenses for this sabbatical. The repair bill, ticket, and motel night from the car accident came to almost $3400, putting a substantial hole into my budget the very first month.
Yesterday I volunteered for the day at Esalen, a beautiful retreat center in Big Sur. I spent five hours hoe-ing, weeding, and helping to hoop-n-net their gardens. It was a gorgeously sunny day in the low 70s. I could see the ocean (and dolphins and whales) from my vantage point and hoed in rhythm to the sound of the waves. Afterwards, I had a deliciously fresh organic lunch followed by a much-appreciated soak in the hot springs and a journaling retreat hanging in a swing overlooking the grounds and ocean. Bliss! Peace! Beauty! It was a special day indeed.
However, upon arriving home, I found my wallet was no longer in my purse. After frantically searching the car and all my belongings, I had to acknowledge that it was either lost or stolen at Esalen. A couple of days ago, I had visited an ATM and was so appalled by the service fees, I had withdrawn a larger chunk of money than usual so I wouldn't have to go back again anytime soon. So, my wallet had over $300 in it, along with the usual credit cards, driver's license, photos, stamps, gift cards, etc. Ouch!!!!
What is going on?! I truly feel there is some lesson in all of this expense lately. Is it around letting go and trusting? Is it reminding me why it's important to have a job and paycheck? Is it about staying grateful and centered no matter what? Is it a reminder to feel solidarity with people who are struggling financially for whatever reason? For me it's been a little of all of the above. It's also been a lot of extra frustration and questioning my faith in people (but that's for another blog posting). For now, I guess I'm grateful that I have the free time to start getting everything replaced and that I don't need to drive anywhere right now. But can I also say Enough Already!
Yesterday I volunteered for the day at Esalen, a beautiful retreat center in Big Sur. I spent five hours hoe-ing, weeding, and helping to hoop-n-net their gardens. It was a gorgeously sunny day in the low 70s. I could see the ocean (and dolphins and whales) from my vantage point and hoed in rhythm to the sound of the waves. Afterwards, I had a deliciously fresh organic lunch followed by a much-appreciated soak in the hot springs and a journaling retreat hanging in a swing overlooking the grounds and ocean. Bliss! Peace! Beauty! It was a special day indeed.
However, upon arriving home, I found my wallet was no longer in my purse. After frantically searching the car and all my belongings, I had to acknowledge that it was either lost or stolen at Esalen. A couple of days ago, I had visited an ATM and was so appalled by the service fees, I had withdrawn a larger chunk of money than usual so I wouldn't have to go back again anytime soon. So, my wallet had over $300 in it, along with the usual credit cards, driver's license, photos, stamps, gift cards, etc. Ouch!!!!
What is going on?! I truly feel there is some lesson in all of this expense lately. Is it around letting go and trusting? Is it reminding me why it's important to have a job and paycheck? Is it about staying grateful and centered no matter what? Is it a reminder to feel solidarity with people who are struggling financially for whatever reason? For me it's been a little of all of the above. It's also been a lot of extra frustration and questioning my faith in people (but that's for another blog posting). For now, I guess I'm grateful that I have the free time to start getting everything replaced and that I don't need to drive anywhere right now. But can I also say Enough Already!
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Becoming One of THOSE People
I realized today that I made 4-5 facebook postings in the past week. Why? Because my life is so utterly fascinating? No! Because I have the time, I'm taking a lot of photos, and I am on the internet WAY too much these days. I am becoming a second generation couch potato! I'm not watching tv, but it seems everything I am interested in or want to research or want to stay in contact with is on the bloody computer. It is the ultimate seduction... But I find that sitting in front of a screen so much is deadening to me overall. And I've never wanted to be one of the people who facebook about every move they make, every photo they've taken, every meal they've eaten.
I keep having this sense that I need to be doing something meaningful and important with this precious free time. But one of the problems is I don't know how long I will be in this area, which prevents me from volunteering somewhere or signing up for a class or getting a part time job. I can do projects around the house (mainly yardwork), but even that is limited. Is it simply my Puritan self that feels I have to be DOING SOMETHING in order to be happy? Is it lack of people contact in "real life" that makes me want to share on facebook or on this blog or in emails?
Today I am doing a mystery shopper job at Ghiradelli's. I have to buy a sundae and report on the condition of the store and the friendliness of the employees. A tough job, but someone has to do it! Maybe I'll write about it on facebook... :)
I keep having this sense that I need to be doing something meaningful and important with this precious free time. But one of the problems is I don't know how long I will be in this area, which prevents me from volunteering somewhere or signing up for a class or getting a part time job. I can do projects around the house (mainly yardwork), but even that is limited. Is it simply my Puritan self that feels I have to be DOING SOMETHING in order to be happy? Is it lack of people contact in "real life" that makes me want to share on facebook or on this blog or in emails?
Today I am doing a mystery shopper job at Ghiradelli's. I have to buy a sundae and report on the condition of the store and the friendliness of the employees. A tough job, but someone has to do it! Maybe I'll write about it on facebook... :)
Monday, January 19, 2015
(Wo)Man's Search for Meaning
Viktor Frankl wrote an entire book on finding meaning in life, even when imprisoned in a concentration camp. I am beginning to realize he was extremely accurate in his final analysis--that our last freedom is the ability to choose our attitude in any situation, and that love for another or for something is what gives life meaning.
Being "retired" means you have much time to fill on your hands. It becomes easy to just go through the motions in your daily life--get up, exercise, clean up, read a little, answer your emails. And after a while, it kind of feels like "going through the motions". Perhaps this is why people enjoy grandchildren or pets at this stage--they are so full of life and love. Or why people get into a part time job or volunteering. We all need to feel needed or cared about.
It's ironic that many people who are working also feel they are simply going through the motions in life. The people they are with seem dull or uninteresting. The job seems too routine or tedious or demanding. That has certainly been true for me! There is something in us that calls us to greater expression--of creativity, of giving, of fulfillment, of exploration. Or is it simply we are in need of an attitude adjustment? Of finding that greater love and meaning in whomever we are with or whatever we are doing right now? Challenging to know whether there is more growth in staying put or moving on to something new....Ultimately, it is finding the path with the most meaning.
Being "retired" means you have much time to fill on your hands. It becomes easy to just go through the motions in your daily life--get up, exercise, clean up, read a little, answer your emails. And after a while, it kind of feels like "going through the motions". Perhaps this is why people enjoy grandchildren or pets at this stage--they are so full of life and love. Or why people get into a part time job or volunteering. We all need to feel needed or cared about.
It's ironic that many people who are working also feel they are simply going through the motions in life. The people they are with seem dull or uninteresting. The job seems too routine or tedious or demanding. That has certainly been true for me! There is something in us that calls us to greater expression--of creativity, of giving, of fulfillment, of exploration. Or is it simply we are in need of an attitude adjustment? Of finding that greater love and meaning in whomever we are with or whatever we are doing right now? Challenging to know whether there is more growth in staying put or moving on to something new....Ultimately, it is finding the path with the most meaning.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
The Road Less Traveled
Yesterday's hike was such a metaphor for my life. I was walking through a familiar place, enjoying the scenery and drinking in the natural beauty. At some point, I decided to stray off the usual path and take all the side roads that I have always passed by. Some led to dead ends (however, there were great views!) and I had to turn around and return to where I left the main trail. Some turned out to be loops, where I meandered for awhile and ended up back in the same place where I started. These still gave me a different perspective and allowed me to see things I wouldn't normally. Some went to parts of the park that I had never been to and I got some great photos and a little excitement seeing something new. I'd venture off the main track for a while but somehow ended back on it eventually.
The bottom line though, was whichever new trail I took, it was still good--whether for the view, the new experience, the variety, or just building some new neural pathways in my brain! How easily we get stuck in a routine, doing the same familiar things over and over, afraid of what might happen if we make a wrong choice! This hike was a good reminder that ALL decisions have potential, and that even if you end up in a dead end, there is a gift to be had and you can always find your way back to the main path and continue on. For me, the worst choice is to just stay on the road always taken because it is the easiest thing to do. I need to remember this as I make my upcoming decisions....
The bottom line though, was whichever new trail I took, it was still good--whether for the view, the new experience, the variety, or just building some new neural pathways in my brain! How easily we get stuck in a routine, doing the same familiar things over and over, afraid of what might happen if we make a wrong choice! This hike was a good reminder that ALL decisions have potential, and that even if you end up in a dead end, there is a gift to be had and you can always find your way back to the main path and continue on. For me, the worst choice is to just stay on the road always taken because it is the easiest thing to do. I need to remember this as I make my upcoming decisions....
Monday, January 12, 2015
Perchance to Dream
What does it mean when I dream about school almost every night? Is this just a brain core dump as my system flushes out the past six years? Or is my brain trying to remember how to do the job so I don't forget? Or, like my dreams of not being able to find/open my locker, are the job dreams a sign of stress that I will be doomed to have the rest of my life? :)
What weird things are dreams! Are they a window to our innermost self or are they just a juicer of everything we have been exposed to over our day? Why do some people (like me) dream vividly and memorably and others not remember their dreams at all? And why are there times when people have a experience where they meet someone who has just died or have a foretelling of what is going to happen in the future? Why do we become psychotic if we don't get the chance to dream? The world is so much more than we consciously perceive!
What weird things are dreams! Are they a window to our innermost self or are they just a juicer of everything we have been exposed to over our day? Why do some people (like me) dream vividly and memorably and others not remember their dreams at all? And why are there times when people have a experience where they meet someone who has just died or have a foretelling of what is going to happen in the future? Why do we become psychotic if we don't get the chance to dream? The world is so much more than we consciously perceive!
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me
One of the hazards of having a lot of time on your hands is that those hands like to stay busy. And unfortunately, if there's no work to do, there's always eating! I had these great plans and dreams to get at least an hour's workout every day. Okay, maybe most days. But I've found that unless I have a specific activity planned (i.e., bike through Pebble Beach at 9 am or a dance lesson at 7 pm), my day gets sucked away with other things and then I'm too tired or unmotivated to exercise. I guess some things don't change whether you are working or not! What does change is the availability and freedom to eat whenever you want. I have a feeling the "freshman fifteen" have nothing on the "fifty-something fifteen" (except at an older age, it's harder to get rid of them!).
A challenge, to be sure. I look at the people I admire most and they have stayed very active as they've aged. It is a priority, a lifestyle, and a mindset. I'd love to use this time off to get in the best shape of my life. I started this venture at a certain size and weight. Let's see how I end it!
A challenge, to be sure. I look at the people I admire most and they have stayed very active as they've aged. It is a priority, a lifestyle, and a mindset. I'd love to use this time off to get in the best shape of my life. I started this venture at a certain size and weight. Let's see how I end it!
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Escaping the Rat Race
I am realizing that it's not WORK I want to leave. I miss the personal interactions, the structure, and definitely the paycheck! What I want to flee is the feeling of constant judgment, expectations, and routine. I love projects to complete. Give me a short-term assignment and I'm on it, loving the challenge, digging into getting 'er done. Give me a year of almost unremitting sameness and I'm ready to slit my throat. I tend to go 100 mph and then hit and wall and need to stop. Working at the school has been helpful since there are so many mini-breaks built in. But the school job has evolved--changing from one where guiding and helping the kids are the important things to where test scores drive just about everything. And my job is emotionally exhausting at times--I deal too much in the pain, trauma, and drama of life rather than something upbeat.
Today I wondered about the artist in me. When I do my photography or writing or music making or dancing, or gardening, I feel JOY. And THAT is what I want more of. I want a job that I can make decent money but have flexibility and creativity. I don't want to sit in a rocking chair and watch life go by. I don't want to be alone most of the time. I want to contribute to the world and to my own growth. Is the answer becoming a life coach? Taking the plunge and doing photography full time? Leading retreats for women? Or maybe just going to part time at the school and making a hobby more of a focus?
I have many ideas for what the next twenty years could look like. This time off is helping me to explore and clarify my decision.
Today I wondered about the artist in me. When I do my photography or writing or music making or dancing, or gardening, I feel JOY. And THAT is what I want more of. I want a job that I can make decent money but have flexibility and creativity. I don't want to sit in a rocking chair and watch life go by. I don't want to be alone most of the time. I want to contribute to the world and to my own growth. Is the answer becoming a life coach? Taking the plunge and doing photography full time? Leading retreats for women? Or maybe just going to part time at the school and making a hobby more of a focus?
I have many ideas for what the next twenty years could look like. This time off is helping me to explore and clarify my decision.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
The Bigger Questions
Having lots of time on your hands is like having Thanksgiving--there's too much to digest and you end up feeling overwhelmed by it all.
I went for a two-hour walk in the forest and found myself mired in an existential crisis. Why ARE we here? Is the purpose of life to indulge your passions? Help others? Be productive? Be all you can be? Or it is something deeper, like finding God? It seems we are born, we struggle, we have some good experiences, and then we die. Can that really be all there is?
I see people around me accumulating material possessions at an astonishing rate and I can't believe that is our collective goal. I see people who spend hours in front of the tv or computer or video games and I DEFINITELY can't believe that is a valuable use of our time on Earth. I see tons of money being spent on sports or rock stars or Hollywood and I find myself turning away in horror. But that is me. I like the simpler way of life. I value wisdom and family and education. Music, dancing, photography, and travel touch my soul. Is that a life of value? It seems too selfish....
And so I continue to contemplate what will give me joy and meaning in this phase of my life and how to offer the gifts I have for the betterment of the world. Tough!
I went for a two-hour walk in the forest and found myself mired in an existential crisis. Why ARE we here? Is the purpose of life to indulge your passions? Help others? Be productive? Be all you can be? Or it is something deeper, like finding God? It seems we are born, we struggle, we have some good experiences, and then we die. Can that really be all there is?
I see people around me accumulating material possessions at an astonishing rate and I can't believe that is our collective goal. I see people who spend hours in front of the tv or computer or video games and I DEFINITELY can't believe that is a valuable use of our time on Earth. I see tons of money being spent on sports or rock stars or Hollywood and I find myself turning away in horror. But that is me. I like the simpler way of life. I value wisdom and family and education. Music, dancing, photography, and travel touch my soul. Is that a life of value? It seems too selfish....
And so I continue to contemplate what will give me joy and meaning in this phase of my life and how to offer the gifts I have for the betterment of the world. Tough!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Seven Months of...Heaven?
How long does it take one to settle into serious down time? On Day Two of the Great Experiment, I find myself antsy that I'm not being productive--that I'm frittering my time away. Today I looked up from the computer and it was already 11! So seductive is the internet...
So, listening to my Puritan streak, I have made a loose schedule for myself in the coming days. An hour of guitar, an hour of exercise, an hour to clean house and body. I also realized that this can't be a) all about ME, and b) that I need to incorporate some major people time into my day or I will start talking back to the set.
To those ends, I have decided to devote an hour each week to answering online requests for prayer. Of course, my first attempt this morning was a dismal disaster, as I faithfully and thoughtfully answered ten requests and then promptly deleted nine of them, causing me to nearly throw the laptop across the room after spending an hour typing them. It was a lesson in patience and humility!
I am also going to try to get some kind of group activity or lesson going during the day. I have plenty of dance activities and photography plans for evenings, but to spend most of my day alone is unhealthy. I'm looking into finding a small dog as well. Better to talk to an animal than myself!
I can already see this is going to be a process. Being without my car is forcing me to slow down and actually take a look at myself and my life, which is important. It's too easy for me to go-go-go and find my time frittered away as well. I need to find balance! While I can go into "slug mode" for a week or two or even a couple of months in the summer, I find I need projects to keep me busy and a purpose to my day or I end up eating all the time and will become an obese recluse before I know it.
All of this has been rather unexpected. It makes me curious to see how things are going to turn out....
So, listening to my Puritan streak, I have made a loose schedule for myself in the coming days. An hour of guitar, an hour of exercise, an hour to clean house and body. I also realized that this can't be a) all about ME, and b) that I need to incorporate some major people time into my day or I will start talking back to the set.
To those ends, I have decided to devote an hour each week to answering online requests for prayer. Of course, my first attempt this morning was a dismal disaster, as I faithfully and thoughtfully answered ten requests and then promptly deleted nine of them, causing me to nearly throw the laptop across the room after spending an hour typing them. It was a lesson in patience and humility!
I am also going to try to get some kind of group activity or lesson going during the day. I have plenty of dance activities and photography plans for evenings, but to spend most of my day alone is unhealthy. I'm looking into finding a small dog as well. Better to talk to an animal than myself!
I can already see this is going to be a process. Being without my car is forcing me to slow down and actually take a look at myself and my life, which is important. It's too easy for me to go-go-go and find my time frittered away as well. I need to find balance! While I can go into "slug mode" for a week or two or even a couple of months in the summer, I find I need projects to keep me busy and a purpose to my day or I end up eating all the time and will become an obese recluse before I know it.
All of this has been rather unexpected. It makes me curious to see how things are going to turn out....
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