Love, Dating, and Getting Older

When the kids are raised and gone, what keeps people married? Shared interests, common history, habit, fears of growing old alone, fears of not being able to find someone else? Some people have been together so many years, they are sick and tired of each other and try to spend as much time apart as possible, but they continue to stay married. I don't get it. The other day I was talking to a friend about whose marriages they envied. They couldn't name a single couple! Too many people seem to be trudging/fighting to an invisible finish line. It's more of an endurance test than a life-giving relationship. How sad is that?

On the other hand, it is interesting to see the older single crowd at the dances I go to. A lot of pretense is stripped away when you are over 50--similar to going to a 40-year high school reunion. Most everyone is getting gray and saggy and wrinkly and pudgy. There are still guys who think they are dreamboats and there are still women who try to be sexpots, but few seem to be into the mating game. Hormones tend to be waning and illness or surgery is more often the topic of conversation than making out! I get the feeling many people are looking for a potential caretaker rather than "true love" at this stage of the game. It's more about sharing the house costs and house work and having companionship. Some interesting alliances happen due to these stark realities!

That being said, there are many role models for me who are aging gracefully and well--people who are active and fit, people who are involved in hobbies and their community, people who are interested in other people, people who keep learning new things and going to new places, people who are happy with their lives. Anymore, having relationships with those kinds of people is more important to me personally than being married OR dating. People leave. People die. People change. Having a large, positive social network means that you don't have all your eggs in one basket when life events happen. There is something to be said for having options as we get older.... The romantic in me still hopes love will conquer all, but the practical side of me is becoming louder every day.

THE EVALUATION

For the past two days, I have been back at work--saying goodbye to the kids, signing yearbooks, taking part in end-of-year activities. The hugs and appreciation leveled at me have been uplifting and heartfilling. Today I go back one last time for my yearly evaluation and I find myself in the same old pattern of stress and anxiety.

The main word that comes to mind is "vulnerable". I feel that I am once again going into the lion's den of judgment. There isn't a sense that we are a team pulling together--it is more one of each man for himself and Big Brother/Boss is watching. I don't feel any backup, either there or at home, which feels lonely and scary. I feel I'm on stage where my performance is being closely watched by critics and any misstep will prove disastrous. I am at their subjective mercy for my review... In terms of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I am left on the bottom rung, wanting some safety and security instead of being able to reach higher levels of creativity and confidence. There is a regular feeling of "not enough-ness" that haunts me.

Is it a problem with the system? Is it all coming from within me? Is it a feeling that I don't somehow deserve the money I'm making? What would it be like to honestly not care about the "good opinion" of other people and enjoy going in and making a contribution? What would it feel like to be free to speak my mind without fear that it would be held against me later on?

Therein lies the appeal of working for myself--either as a life coach or a photographer. Therein lies the appeal of having a life partner who can encourage me regardless of what I choose to do and can provide a reciprocal financial safety net. I am tired of being evaluated. I am tired of having to prove myself. I am tired of feeling the stress from having to be "outstanding". From that, I am definitely ready to retire!

Analogies

Today as I was painting my music room, I thought how this time has been a "remodel" for me as well. I took off the "old wallpaper" and put on something fresh, new, and vibrant. Earlier, when I was trimming my trees, I thought of how important it is to occasionally prune out the "dead wood" in our lives, whether they are people, jobs, ways of thinking, or just bad habits. When the basement flooded with all the recent rain, I compared it to how sometimes life just comes at us too fast and furious and we need some time to soak it all in. And when I broke a non-essential Christmas ornament the other day, I was reminded of how our lives often "break" but with the shards that remain, we can make some beautiful mosaics.

Tonight I am going to the high school graduation of my first class in middle school. The wheel of life keeps turning and we are just along for the ride. I also finished my fabulous life coaching class and have this to offer:
Remember never to make a big decision when you are too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or sad.

The Time Machine

I hear so many people talk about how they don't have enough time to do what they want to do and they can't wait to retire so they "have more time". But having the past four months off, I realize that time is a slippery thing. I should have gallons and gobs of free time but because of all my activities, I have the same or less than when I was working! It isn't (usually) a case of having "no time", it's a case of what we prioritize in our lives. We all have the same 24 hours....

We fill up the minutes, hours, and days almost unconsciously. I see people who spend hours in front of their screen of choice (tv, computer, phone) and they wonder why they get nothing done. If you spend an hour cooking dinner instead of going out or making something simple, that is where your priority is. If you have your kids in four different sports or activities after school, that's how you are choosing to spend your time. If you go to daily Mass, again, that is where a chunk of time will go. If you opt to live an hour's drive from your work, you are choosing to lose two hours a day. If you are exercising an hour a day (good for you), it's still going to cut into your free time.

This past week, I had to make a decision to cut back. I felt like I was running from one event to the next and not really enjoying anything too much. I realized that I didn't have time for being with family or friends the way I wanted to. I needed some "dream time" to just stop and BE. After looking at my list of activities, I chose to drop the performance dance group. I felt pressured to find time to practice or even go to the extra lessons. I was committing two days of driving to Boulder (a 45-min drive each way) and it was too much on top of the other things I like and want to do. Busy is good. Too busy is bad. Made me sad to let the group go but am already feeling the relief and breath of air in my life. And now it's TIME to take a walk and enjoy the lovely spring beauty around me!

Living in Limboland

As much as I'm enjoying this time off, I also feel more than ever that my life is in limbo. I don't know where I am supposed to work, live, or when I will really retire. It is such a trust walk! Like Indiana Jones, I am stepping out into the chasm, uncertain that a bridge will materialize to catch my feet. It is a process of becoming friends with uncertainty (not that we EVER have certainty in our lives!)...

So, I ask myself the "miracle question": If everything were magically resolved tomorrow, what would my life look like?

I would be living with the love of my life, I would have a job that I loved so much that retirement wouldn't happen for another ten years minimum (photography/coaching/counseling), I would have family living nearby, I would be financially without worries, I would still be dancing up a storm and have a lot of music in my life, I would be able to keep up the house and yard as I wanted, I would have a close spiritual community to belong to, I would socialize with, support, and know the people in my neighborhood, and I would be taking some big trips a couple of times a year. Connection, fun, and peace of mind. That's it in a nutshell! I have so many of those pieces already--how do I create the whole enchilada???